It just dawned on me sometime in the last week–we are going through those teenager years again. (For those who may not know our family so well, I say “again” because our older children are 25 and 23, so we’ve already walked through their adolescent years.) Granted, Zach turned 16 in February, so on the calendar he’s already been a teenager for three years. But it has just been in recent months and weeks that some of the usual “biggies” of teenagerhood –driving, relationships, thinking about the future (i.e. college), etc.–have moved to the front burners.
Realizing we find ourselves at this stage of the journey once more, I can’t help but wonder what we’ve learned since the first time we took the trip. I can sort out several ways that I’m hoping we’re wiser this time around:
- I think we’re clearer on the “why’s”. I heard myself saying last night something along these lines: “When you’re deciding what’s right and wrong and how you will act and choose in a given situation, your chief considerations have got to be “What does God’s Word say about this?” and “How will my choice reflect on who God is?” In the past, I hate to admit, we might have given more weight than we do now to choices based on how it reflects on the family or on the individual. The example that the teenager had brought up (it was not the issue of the moment) was how people dress for church. There are not any verses I know of that specifically tell me what to wear or not wear as I enter the sanctuary on a given Sunday morning in 2009. Should my conclusion be that it doesn’t matter? I don’t think so, even though we live in a culture that doesn’t think that much really matters as long as you feel good about what you’re doing. There are commands that God gave worshippers of other times and places which I need to think about in terms of their broader applications for today. The applications to my now are rooted in getting a grasp of who God is, what He is like. Just as the teen who knows his parents well has a pretty good idea of what will fly or not in terms of choices and behavior, so as he gets to know his Heavenly Father will he be better and better able to discern what pleases Him and is in keeping with who He is and who He wants to be in that teen’s life. That, ultimately, is way more important than what I think (hopefully there will be some matchup there) or how it reflects on our family (if it’s good enough for God, it should be good enough for us!).
- Having said that, some things don’t matter. The hardest part of parenting teens, for Michael and me, is the constant stream of requests from said teens for permission to do this, do that, which means constant decision-making on our parts. (Decision-making ranks right up there on our list of major stressors in life. We are not naturally very decisive people–very odd, considering we are both first-borns.) While we are very pleased that we have a teen who respects the house rules and the makers of them enough that he willingly asks first, checks in, keeps us posted, etc., sometimes it would be nice not to have to sort out the reasons for a “yes” or a “no” in response to the “May I?” Realizing that some things are really not a big issue lightens that load somewhat (that has to always be balanced with “choices have consequences”, of course, and the trick is to discern how significant the choice of the moment really is: Will going to this movie instead of that one be a life-changer? I am not big on recreational shooting, but will an evening of airsoft in the company of the guys in a physically safe environment warp my son for life?) Learning to discern big from small, significant from insignificant is something that I think maybe we’ve gotten a little better at since round one of teenage parenting.
- I hope we talk less but say more. Not that we don’t spend time in conversation with Zach. But I am hopeful that the words that come out of our mouths as parents are less fluff and more substance. I do know that I am more inclined to be direct with the truth, rather than beating around the bush. My goal is to be Biblical and to speak the truth in love in such a way that Zach will see it as a good thing, a loving boundary for his good. (I know I have one former teen in our family circle who would have appreciated it if I’d arrived at this mode sooner!)
- I believe we are more in tune to the specifics than to the generalities. By that, I mean I think we’re more aware of the unique personality and maturity of this teen when any given situation comes up. Not that we make the rules to fit the teen–there will always be some non-negotiables, rooted in moral truth. But I find myself as a mom less and less inclined to say, “When Gabe and Ellen were teens…” This is the deal: That was then, this is now. And they were not who Zach is. Those are huge factors. (I have a bit more understanding now of where my parents were when we older two kids used to accuse them of letting our younger siblings get away with murder when they were teens.)
The jury is still out on this one; there’s lots of road to cover. We’ll travel it in the same way we traveled the first time we were here–by God’s grace. But I’m hopeful that we are more savvy travelers for having been here once before.
